Are The Upper Class Reality Competition Shows In Need Of Serious Help?

Now, come to your own decisions about which shows are actually a part of the “Upper Class,” but I’ll run with my own ideas, and we’ll see what happens.

While reality competitions aren’t hurting for viewers overall, something seems to be in the air, and perhaps with good reason. But, are the big names going to listen to the stirrings (or lack thereof), and are they smart enough to care?

Sure, Big Brother, Survivor, The Amazing Race, and several others are performing… well, I don’t know how well in the big picture actually, but they apparently get enough ratings that they come back on every time you turn around. I didn’t even realize So You Think You Can Dance was over when it restarted recently, so whatever these shows are doing, I guess it’s working.

But, I’m talking about those shows that pretend at great levels of seriousness, and look at you crossways if you call them reality shows. Of course, we’re mainly looking at Project Runway and Top Chef, but others may be in this category as well… depending on who you ask. Some people might be willing to put in most of the shows which put up your own show on their network as the prize. I would probably include them myself, but… well, they aren’t on right now anyway.

So, what am I on about? Why am I asking if these shows are in need of help? What’s this “stirring” I mention?

Two words – Can’t Win.

Back in the real heyday of these shows… oh, four or five years ago, everything was exciting. The whole concept was pretty new, watching people design clothes was sort of cool, even if you couldn’t care less about designing clothes, and watching chefs under ridiculous time constraints somehow made you giddy. The truth is, you didn’t particularly know what was going on, and that only added to the ability of these shows to keep you entertained. Sure, you had your chefs you hated, or designers that were particularly fun to watch (“Rock the Casbah” and so on), but what was going to happen based on some legitimate measure of talent was guesswork and wishful thinking.

The whirlwind of the crazy challenges, motley crew of contestants, and the adventure into (more or less) the unknown distracted you from many other aspects of the show, and you were happy to be distracted. But, things are becoming settled and comfortable to a degree not likely to withstand the viewing audiences attention span, and the show’s aren’t really doing anything about it.

The ratings are whatever they are, but if you’ve got your finger on the pulse of things, these shows might need to pay some serious attention to how they deliver in the future. Back in those glory times I mention, you couldn’t hear yourself think for people talking about this design, or that chef, and how’s that working out today? Well, you tell me. Are people still watching? Sure. Has anyone mentioned either show to me once this season? If we start the timer at the day after the season premieres, then the answer is no.

The main reason for the overly comfortable feeling? Well, apart from the natural progression of having seen the shiny thing before?

Can’t win.

The first few episodes used to be a lot of fun, as a new crop of hopefuls tried to get us and the judges on their good side, and avoid being the dreaded first loser. You watched and tried to get some information on how these people were going to progress, but you did it while trying to take in the fun and frolic, and occasionally you said, “Woohoo! Tim Gunn!”

Now what happens? Can’t win. Can’t win. He’s pretty good. Can’t win. I kind of like her, but can’t win. He’s probably going to win. Can’t win. She’s good, but I hate her already. Can’t win. Dark horse. Long shot. Can’t win.

And then the weeks roll on, and you’re thinking to yourself, “Do I need to watch? Is this interesting?”

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Going into the most recent Top Chef, we had four can’t wins, one long shot, and the three who are going to be in the finals. One of the can’t wins went home. Huzzah. Am I talking about that to anyone? Well… apparently.

Worse still, I can’t figure out who can win Project Runway this year. How they managed to come up with an entire crew that can’t make anything interesting I’ll never know, but it’s one of the major tells of the slowdown in interest, because now you have time to think about how the judges are clearly making things up. You’re a little bored, so you have time to start imagining what’s going on in your mind. Everyone walks down the runway, you don’t particularly like anything, and then you remember that little disclaimer that flashes at the end of the show which says that the decisions are made based on input by the judges and the producers.

You start to figure out that a lot of time passes between the walk down the runway and calling the designers back out, and you see the judges sitting around staring blankly at each other. A gaggle of producers walk over, quickly get the gist of the discussion, and say, “Look, you can’t say they all suck. Our research tells us that 64% of people want to see this guy go home. (Or, the marketing tells us people will keep watching to see this jerk) People like this girl so make hers in the top three, and make up whatever other crap you want about why a couple of others are good. Yes. Yes. I know hers looks very similar to something you said was awful three weeks ago, but it doesn’t make any difference.”

You watch it happen in your mind. They might as well air it, that’s how obvious it is.

And, other small things creep in when you become less and less excited by the goings on. The flash and sizzle is cooling off, and now you’re really looking around. You start to feel a bit like Dorothy. Yes, well, alright, ball of flame, booming voice, very nice… what’s this curtain? You’re about fifteen minutes into an episode with five can’t wins, the challenge isn’t all that interesting on its own (no one is making clothes out of trash or anything), your personal favorite is doing something cool, but two of the can’t wins are already on a bad road. The outcome of the show is pretty clear, and there’s no particular excitement. You’re completely left open to spotting the smaller things at play now. The colored glasses come off, and you suddenly notice – Heidi Klum is really just a tremendous bitch.

With her credentials as fashion judge buoyed by such entries as – I’m hot and junk, and… no, that’s it really – Klum’s acid-tongue delivery each week is bizarrely equal parts monstrous and disingenuous. Again, everyone in the producer hive is clearly pushing for beating down a couple of people each week, but you know as well as I that where our podium creations are not that good every week, neither is the bottom of the barrel as bad as all that every week. It’s all part of the act in a kind of Alice Cooperian way, and theoretically it’s all well and good, because we have to admit to ourselves that we’re clearly on board with it. But, even Simon rarely jumps right past vocal description and spills over into calling people stupid.

Actually, it would be one thing if she would slam people with at least the marginal passion Simon uses. If nothing else he relays a certain level of interest in the thing. Heidi, on the other hand, is practically robotic in her cool dismissiveness, and the result is a special kind of haughty superiority virtually unencountered by those not addressing top-tier royalty, or people on stage with Gods. Even Gordon Ramsay doesn’t come off as believing himself this much more interesting than the people on the receiving end of his screaming sessions.

Speaking of robotic hosts, you’ve come to the point now where you’ve googled just about every culinary term you’re going to, and when you blink you find out Padma Lakshmi is a creepy kind of caustic as well, and just really, really finds herself to be the most amazing thing EVAR. Reading her bio at the show’s website you’ll find that she’s fit to be a judge because she is – like, hot and junk (well, no she has some qualifications, but you don’t know what they are, and you don’t care).

Suddenly, you find yourself thrown a bit. What the hell happened here? Were they always like this? What used to be an hour of cute and fuzzy bunnies has gone wrong, and now you find yourself dizzy with questions. Were the challenges always this stupid? Did they always repeat things 100 times, and the same things in every show like I’m a complete idiot? A little mob of thoughts starts forming in your mind, and they’re all shouting things over each other at you, and misshapen rakes and other gardening implements you don’t recognize are being lofted with rather serious implications. That’s the exact same dress they hated last year! Hey, that chef judge guy makes sandwiches!

Things start getting all blurry. You find yourself fidgeting uncomfortably in your chair. As it rolls on toward next week, you start thinking about your plans differently.

Pack of can’t wins still around. People are talking about that other show. Did that preview really look like anything interesting was coming?

Are these shows stepping anything up? Giving us anything new, or putting any spins on the overall effort?

Guests. That’s all we get.

TOP CHEF -- Episode 610 -- Pictured: (l-r) Natalie Portman, Tom Colicchio -- Bravo Photo: Trae Patton

Is Christina Aguilera helping me? Lindsay Lohan? Milla? Remember when the guests used to excite the contestants, but you didn’t really know who they were? There was a little more style to that.

It’s Natalie Portman! Really? That’s what we’re doing now?

Things may be fine for the moment, but the scripted world is stepping up its game, and there’s a lot of good television out there. People might start figuring that out.