Celebrity Apprentice & I’m A Celebrity… Screw You Puck!

It all started with Puck. If it wasn’t for Puck, and the rapid gains in popularity he caused for MTV‘s The Real World, we wouldn’t have mandatory insane people on every reality show.

Of course, you knew what was going on with Celebrity Apprentice when Dennis Rodman and Andrew Dice Clay turned up, but who would have guessed that they would turn out to be relatively sane by comparison. From the first episodes, something seemed decidedly odd about Joan and Melissa Rivers, and that’s coming from the viewpoint of finding them rather odd to begin with.

Nevermind the fact that they are the poster family for the anti-plastic surgery campaign (Melissa looks for all the world like Steven Tyler on set to star as a female in a remake of Planet of the Apes), the pair were just as odd as could be at every turn. Joan could hardly complete a sentence in weeks without it turning into a slur or insult of some sort, and Melissa never went five minutes without hinting at some conspiracy theory or other.

It all came to a head on the last episode, when Melissa was fired. Melissa spent the episode both putting herself in the position to be fired, and at the same time hurling accusations that her teammates were conspiring against her. I’m sure there are two ways to look at things, but she just sat there, didn’t demand to do more, and whined that she was getting screwed over. Worse (in terms of not looking like a fool), she kept saying “high school” in reference to some very odd circumstances. I watched several scenes over again, and I can’t make head or tails out of what the application of the curious epithet is meant to convey. The best I can piece together is something like – “Oh, you two are talking to each other and like each other and kid around and laugh, and neither of you seem to like me, and you don’t fawn all over me because HELLO my mother is totally famous.” It’s just like fucking high school.

So, there we were this week. Jesse James was doing his own impresonation of (someone with a pulse… and) the oddly high strung celebrities we’re used to seeing, because Clint Black made this image out of his idea. Jesse had a point… at one point…, but this isn’t that bad an ad page. I mean, the river is orange and sparkly because Clint Black has all the marketing savvy of a guy named Black who wears black all the time, has black album covers, and sings songs titled Driving My Black Pickup On A Night As Dark As Black On My Way To Blackville, Baby… but, it’s not worth throwing a fit over. It was good enough to win, and that put Melissa in the hot seat.

But, the best thing about the show is that (I watched this part over and over, and you can check out the clip below) I swear Donald wasn’t going to fire Melissa until the very last second. He was all set to fire Brande, and then, in a very spur of the moment decision, Trump switched it up and fired Melissa. And, I’m telling you right now, watch his face carefully, Donald’s mind went like this – “Holy crap, if I fire Melissa right now she really will just go absolutely batshit crazy.” Melissa, you’re fired.

And I don’t think there has ever been anything on reality television that left me feeling more embarrassed for the person featured. She flew out of that boardroom as only someone reliving a nasty memory about being told they weren’t making varsity cheer by giggling 17 year-olds could. She hopped and skipped her way off the show with the moral fury of someone who just found out their money for charity was by way of dead puppies. Seriously, “whore pit vipers.” Wow. Joan threw in her two cents on the way out as well, alienating poker players, anyone who isn’t particularly a fan of Hitler, and those that can move their mouths everywhere.

Here, take a look:

So, we learned that Donald can play the game too. Just like last week when he didn’t fire Joan based purely on the fact that people are watching only to see some crazy, here he fired Melissa based purely on letting them see it.

Well, we know what game we’re playing with reality television. But now… now someone has come along, looked at where we’re going with chucking whackjob celebrities into the mix, and said, “Screw those sane ones.” I’m A Celebrity… blah blah blah, whatever the hell it’s called was born.

The “celebrities” revealed so far are:

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – from The Hills – on the show because they are both braindead, and people love to hate Spencer.

Stephen Baldwin – from… damn, tough one – on the show because he is contractually obligated to be on every celebreality show that comes out… oh right, that’s what he’s from. Celebrity Mole anyone? Previous Celebrity Apprentice? Uhh… Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge? No shit, check that bad boy out here. How about Scare Tactics? Celebrity Blackjack? Come on… find me a credit post 2000 that I could reference.

Janice Dickinson – from going from model to old hag in a five-minute fifth flat, which has made for good reality television in the past – on the show because she has proven on various other reality shows that she can’t get along with anyone and is often off her meds.

Sanjaya Malakar – from American Idol – on the show because he has proven himself willing to display his insanity on television, and because no amount of being told he sucks at singing and people only want to watch him to make fun of him can keep him from doing it.

John Salley – from the NBA – on the show because he’s sort of a media pimp, or whore, or whichever way that works exactly. He’s sort of a nicer Dennis Rodman. He’s the guy no one can name from the ’95 Bulls, and the guy who sat on the bench for the Lakers a lot, and now he’s on The Best Damn Sports Show or whatever. He’s apparently got himself an agent who thinks Baldwin has a nice racket going.

Torrie Wilson – from Wrestling or something. I don’t know. - on the show because she looks like this.

As I understand this show, the celebrities are voted off after each show, which leads to questions like – who will vote? Do you vote for Speidi as one entity, or can they go individually?

At the same time, there is some sort of voting for having the celebrities perform bizarre, humilating stunts, so that you can choose who you hate or some such blather. This leads to further questions like – if I can make them do humilating things, do I vote to kick off people I like, or people I don’t, or what the hell is going on? Whereas Torrie is on the show, what does “humiliating” cover exactly? If I don’t vote them off the show, does that not pretty well cover the humiliating?

I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to the greatest thing television has put together yet. You couldn’t keep me from this show with a branding iron… unless you’re name is Torrie. NBC is running this hotness fest at you starting on June 1st. According to NBC, there are still three more celebrities you don’t get to know yet. Also on the list of things they will let you know later is which sad dope they loophole into hosting this thunderdome.

I don’t really care who hosts, but for further celebrities I’m writing Santa to get Tatianna from this year’s American Idol (to promote theme), that nutjob from the houseflipping show (ummm… because nutjob), and Ryan from the ghosthunting show (because it’s about time someone smacked him, and Janice Dickinson is just the gal to do it!).

The real treat of this show is going to be the opening, because I can’t wait to find out if any of these “celebrities” recognize each other.