Why I Love ‘Rock Of Love’ Too… And Other Shows Featuring Idiots

In the most recent issue of Entertainment Weekly, Diablo Cody penned an article entitled, “Why I Love Rock of Love.” She was apparently motivated, at least partially, because some of her Twitter followers were a little thrown by her mention of the show. It is without question one of the dumbest things to ever air on television, and it is probably not on the feminist must-watch list, so it isn’t surprising that Cody’s fans might find themselves a little confused.

In the article, Cody manages to give some insight into her Bret Michaels fascination, and explains the show somewhat, but I’m not sure she actually gives a good rundown on, specifically, why she loves Rock of Love. Well, I’m here to tell you that I love the show too (though actually, I can’t bring myself to watch every episode), and I’m going to tell you why.

For the uninitiated, Bret Michaels was the lead singer of Poison, an 80s-ish glam rock (or something) band that managed some pretty serious popularity. The show goes like this – Michaels, now getting dangerously close to 50, gets a bunch of freakishly altered… women to fight for his attention. Think The Bachelor, but with drunk slut competitions, and no shortage of contestants willing to step up to the plate. You might think that’s an odd idea, but you figure it can’t last. Well, we’re in the third season of this nonsense already, and it doesn’t really show any signs of slowing down. Diablo Cody makes a clear misstep in her article when she hopes Bret can find love this time around so that we don’t have to search the country desperately for the few remaining tramps who haven’t already been on the show.

Ahhh… Diablo… in ways you are surprisingly innocent. Don’t you know that we could have three seasons of this show a year for the next twenty years, and we’d still be turning left over trash away by the dozens?

Now, the show’s hook is a little hard to describe with precision, and I don’t think Cody loves the show for the same reason I do. She does mention that Bret is actually an articulate, apparently intelligent guy. That pushes the show into a different realm of watchable right there. It’s a big step from something like Flavor of Love, where everyone involved is an idiot. The fact is, having watched several interviews, and three seasons of Rock of Love, it is hard to deny that Bret has something going on upstairs. You might be itching to deny it anyway, but there you are. His aside commentary to the show always displays a cleverness you don’t expect, and I’m inclined to think he’s throwing these things out himself. If you watch him in interviews, this just sounds like how he speaks. He’s not a stupid guy.

His intelligence comes out in other ways as well, like the first (I think) season finale where he put together the final challenge for the last two contestants which was basically a sort of Solomon via the trailer park split the baby test. Of course, the really stupid cow gave the wrong answer, causing everyone within earshot to demand a shower.

So, why does Diablo Cody love Rock of Love? Keeping in mind that it’s a show that is often just plain gross, and frequently shows self-proclaimed whores getting falling down drunk and passing around 47 year old tongue amongst themselves? With every episode featuring another ridiculous sport from the Tramplympics, and the brain dead bimbos with the obnoxiously augmented breasts trying desperately to pretend to try desperately to keep their clothes on?

After reading her article, it’s a little unclear to tell the truth. It seems to be something along the lines of being unable to avoid looking at a car wreck. She is quoted in bold feature to the article as saying, “As a human being who craves amazing entertainment, I can’t not watch,” and I have no idea what the hell that’s supposed to mean. I can understand, “truly stupid people are hard not to watch,” but I don’t know where “amazing entertainment,” comes into play, and she doesn’t explain it.

As for me, I have to admit that I’m fascinated by stupid people. I mean really stupid people. Rock of Love could easily kick off the season with Bret Michaels walking on stage and telling the contestants to line up, because he was going to have sex with each of them on down the line. None of them would leave. Call me crazy, but that’s just awesome.

My love for the show, like many shows, didn’t really kick in until the second season. You may be able to guess why, but I’ll throw it out anyway. The women on after the first season… have seen the show!

I just don’t find it a problem to mock, ridicule, and derive entertainment from the hopelessly stupid. Same basic premise as watching Judge Judy really. And, I love Judge Judy. Of course, not everyone on Judge Judy is an idiot. (First of all, Bird is just awesome. He just stands there like Shaft, staring down at everyone, and as each episode begins, you know he’s just thinking, “You unbelievable dumb mother%&*^%) Sometimes it’s only half the people, but even the people who come across as fairly intelligent are stupid when it comes down to it, because everyone knows the crazy hag doesn’t actually follow the law at least half the time. Most everyone who goes on the show ends up looking like an idiot one way or another, and you simply can’t get people to stop signing up to be on. It’s just brilliant, and I’ll tell you what else, I love all the competition court shows too. All of them. Stay with me here for a second… all these people would be in real courts! Real courts get to offload all these pathetically moronic people, and we get to watch them. How is that not genius?

Now, Judge Judy does have an interesting measure of compensation which I won’t go into in any detail. It’s enough to say that some of these jokers are at least smart enough to know they’re going to lose, and they aren’t losing in some sense if the show if footing the bill. Just another kind of dumbass if you ask me. Save a little money by telling the whole world you’re a moron… tough call I guess.

But, I digress.

Here’s the real thing I love about Rock of Love. Diablo Cody has her reasons, and lovers of idiots have… well, I think the same reasons, but I have another reason. You see, I’m pretty sure Bret Michaels is full of shit. I don’t think he has the slightest intention of going anywhere near any of these women beyond his contractual obligations, and the odd bit of screwing with their minds because it makes for good TV. I think someone told Bret Michaels they’d pay him to be on a show, described the basic outline, and Bret said, “Frickin’ duh I’ll do that show! Is this a trick question?”

And then he said, “Hey producer man… I’ll keep doing it too.”