American Idol’s New Judge Already Cementing Uselessness?

Written on January 16, 2009 by Marc Eastman in Television

The first two shows are behind us, and American Idol‘s new judge seems to have already solidified her role. Kara DioGuardi, according to her bio on the American Idol website, has written more songs than God and is just absolutely shiny!!! The idea that American Idol was adding a new judge led to much chatter among fans of the show as people tried to get a feel for what a new judge would mean. Specifically, of course, what would this particular new judge mean. Where on the Idol Judge spectrum was she going to land?

A quote on American Idol‘s website pretty much sums up how things appear to be working out.

Mike Darnell, President, Alternative Programming of FOX, added, “With Kara by her side, Paula finally has some back-up and now there is going to be a lot more ‘girl power’ on the show.”

I had my concerns from the beginning that Kara seemed like little more than a Paula clone. I had to wonder about the rumors that circulated suggesting Paula wasn’t interested in doing the show anymore. Perhaps some glitch popped up on the road to finding a Paula replacement (like Paula not needing to be replaced) that left the show sitting with two Paula’s. Mike Darnell apparently likes the idea of Paula having back-up, though the theory behind that statement confuses me.

But, how are things actually playing out?

Unfortunately, just as I feared. Well, fear possibly involves a level of interest in something I’m not willing to admit. Perhaps, just as I suspected.

Thus far, Kara’s contribution to the show has been to provide whimsical interludes based on the pronunciation of her name, and to mimic the glaringly useless “judging” of Paula Abdul. What the show might do with two Paula’s is a bit of a mystery, except that we quickly learned that Kara throws into the general mix the fact that she’s a little bit nuts.

Check out the already famous “bikini girl” below.

The girl wasn’t that bad. No, she wasn’t great by any stretch, but she was better than a lot of other people, and considering all the people that went through to Hollywood so far, she wasn’t the worst of that crowd by a long shot.

But, it doesn’t matter. The girl barely started singing before Kara went goofy, and mainly because Simon jokingly said she was good after about three notes. And then, she actually starts singing back at her? No matter what the theory, that’s just a clear example of having no clue what the hell you’re doing there. Then again, we have to first pretend there is such a theory.

What was Kara proving by, I guess, showing how the song is supposed to be sung? Assuming Kara was Whitney Houston, and not “person who writes songs for other people to sing,” she’s still proving nothing. As far as I understand things, the show is not Beat Kara, and to be honest Kara, I’m not sure you want to see the Kara-specific voting. You’re biggest fan might have showed up to the auditions (I didn’t know songwriters had their own stalkers), but I’m pretty sure that if I simply say I kind of like you right now I catapult to number 2.

An article on MTV.com gave some of Kara’s reactions to the incident.

“Of course I want a pretty girl, but I’m not just looking for a pretty girl,” DioGuardi said about her standards for female contestants. “I’m looking for an incredible voice, great stage presence. I’m a big champion of women. I’m not the kind of woman who’s going to drag a woman down.”

Yeah, except that isn’t how it actually played out. The truth is, Kara made it very clear how she was going to vote about 5 1/2 seconds after Katrina Darrell walked through the door. Of course, the funniest bit is that Darrell responded that Kara’s version wasn’t any better. Simon agreed, and so do I. Goofy-ish, trying to sound like Celine Dion versions of Mariah Carey songs aren’t interesting, and certainly aren’t American Idol. The last thing American Idol needs to come up with is someone who put out an audition the way Kara spit out that song.

Of course, American Idol rolls along oblivious to good or bad reports on judges, contestants, rules, or anything else. Those that watch are going to watch, and those that don’t aren’t about to be converted. It doesn’t matter that Kara is a useless clone of the most useless judge we had. It doesn’t matter that the intro to the new season has to really splash things up for the past winners, because we have to gloss over the not-so-great post-Idol careers of some of those who have come before.

The hopefuls still turn up in droves, and the bitterly deluded among them will be famous for fifteen minutes, or at least two or three. Fame wannabes will never learn from past seasons, and no one will listen to anyone’s opinion… about their own singing, or the show.

In particular, I believe this guy actually might have had a decent shot at getting to Hollywood if he only had brains enough to know that there hasn’t been a single person with a ridiculous gimmick who has gotten through yet. He wasn’t that great. His singing was very “theatrical,” as mentioned by the judges. But, there were others who went through who were on par with him.

Personally, if someone got Maggie Gyllenhaal to dress up like a cheerleader and sing their praises, I’d put them through, but the gimmick rule won out apparently.

Yes, the ratings may be down a bit, but American Idol is still fairly bullet-proof. Considering the state of reality television, tuning in to see people make fools of themselves is not a realm in any danger. But, I do wonder about the reaction to this new judge.

Simon may annoy people, and he’s often rude, but you either love him, or love to hate him. I like him rather a bit actually. If you suck, he says you suck. If you’re good, he says you’re good. If you don’t want him to say you suck, don’t show up to a singing competition when you suck at it. What’s the problem there?

Rude, mean, and perhaps a bit egotistical makes for a very different general character from someone so weird as to actually sing back at a contestant. I don’t mind American Idol much actually. It’s a weird sort of social commentary, but it serves a purpose. I like that a guy living in his car can get a record deal just by being turned down by the show. I like that a lot of people who are decent, struggling hopefuls can get some exposure when there is really no other way that anyone will ever see them.

In an industry where half the new names I hear turn out to be some other name’s sister, cousin, pool boy, or whatever the hell else, I like that people who are living paycheck to paycheck get to be seen. The best stories for me are the ones about people who didn’t make it very far, but still managed to get some sort of gig out of it… ummm, that doesn’t have “Rehab” in the title.

But, I want my crazy to stay on one side of the table.

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