True Beauty – Reality TV Too Good To Last

Written on January 7, 2009 by Marc Eastman in Television

I have my doubts about the staying potential of the new reality show True Beauty, despite it sticking Ashton Kutcher and Tyra Banks on itself. Normally, I couldn’t especially care less, but I really like this show.

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There is a special world in the reality television universe that I really enjoy. It’s the little niche of reality shows that feature people who think they’re on one reality show, and it turns out they’re on a very different reality show.

True Beauty is a show with “contestants” who think they’re on the next great show trying to find beautiful people. Actually, they’re being judged on their inner beauty, well partially… or something. During the course of “normal” events of the not absolutely real portion of the show, certain challenges are set up to put the beautiful people to the “goodness” test.

Hosted/Judged by Vanessa Mannillo, Cheryl Tiegs, and Nole Marin, the show dares to go where no beauty-related show since America’s Most Smartest Model… well, dared to go. Everyone too bitchy, verbal about their vanity, or unable to find their way out of a sack for the “real” stupid beauty shows was immediately handed the runner-up prize of, “How about this exciting new show?!” That is, apart from the guy who was clearly chosen because he couldn’t help but win given the alternatives. You can put me down for that vague prediction. If you can’t figure out who I mean I rather suspect you of being on the show yourself.

So, okay, we watch a bunch of outrageously vain, self-important people prance around looking pretty. And, we get to watch them make complete fools out of themselves, and otherwise act like the morons they are. But, really, so what? Are you telling me this is really interesting entertainment?

No, not really. It’s rather fun to watch actually. If nothing else, just for the semi-surrealness of the whole experience. Not in quite the same way as Momma’s Boys, the other recent reality show created by the great Reality TV Mad Libs Show Generator, which is interesting to watch because… what show will people not sign up for? It isn’t exactly the same, but in the same surreal ballpark, True Beauty owes its carwreck viewing draw to… what won’t people do when they know there is a cameraman standing right in front of them?

True, during the “challenges” the contestants don’t know they’re being filmed, but that is a remarkably small piece of the nutjob pie here.

But, watching idiots dance around for the benefit of Ashton Kutcher’s drunken ramblings isn’t enough to make me actually want to watch a show. Indeed, to openly hope it does well in order to continue the genre. Especially since these shows have the added benefit and/or hinderance of not being able to do them again. Frankly, I wouldn’t put it past the American “signing up for reality shows” public to jump right on board for casting of True Beauty 2, but it ain’t gonna happen.

See, the thing I really love about this show is that we’re genuinely ruining these people’s lives. If you’re on America’s Next Top Model, and you get cut, the odds are that the thing helped your career anyway. You might have acted particularly nutty, or done something truly offensive, but overall no one is hurt by losing the competition. The same is true of many other reality shows that largely feature idiots people from some part of the fashion industry.

But listen, if you’re a model no one has ever seen (hint: in the way many of these people fill in JOB with MODEL, I’m one too), a receptionist, or (sorry Starbucks) a Barista, and you’re on a show where the entire purpose is not simply to say that you weren’t quite the most beautiful of the group, but is instead showcasing the fact that you’re a complete ass… well, try showing up for work at the mall after that. The form application for the show might as well read—

Job: I’m an ex-_____________

Whatever you were before, that show’s over now chippy.

In case you missed it, the first show found two women at the bottom.

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Chelsea is 21, and she’s a model/artist, though the show repeatedly professed her to be a pageant winner, or pageant enterer, or something. My plastic surgery guess is 6, but I’ve only seen one show so far.

Her most striking feature is the curiously severe level of righteous indignation with which she declares herself “Not Ugly!” when she is told that she is in the bottom two. Honestly, The Elephant Man did not portray his demand to be excluded from a group with such damning defiance.

On a positive note, she did say that she didn’t think she was necessarily the best looking person on the show… and at that point she might as well have been speaking in tongues as far as anyone else on the show would be able to connect with her words.

And, Hadiyyah-lah Sa’id.

That would have flowed a lot better if I had been able to say something like…

And, Jennifer.

But there we are.

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That is, Hadiyyah-lah Sa’id is the name of the other person in the bottom two.

She compares herself to Aaliyah, and rates herself a 20 out of 10. Her problem was not so much her attitude and total lack….. your still stuck on Aaliyah aren’t you?

In the end, all she did was wail like a banshee, peek at someone’s personal information, and not hold a door open for someone, but the show is young.

Her best moment had nothing to do with the actual show, but was a result of the judging portion. It was down to these two women for who was going to get cut, and when they told Chelsea she was safe and could go back, Hadiyyah-lah (gonna just call her Hadi RamalamaBingBong from now on) had absolutely no idea that meant she was cut. She just stood there completely oblivious to where we might be in the show now. They actually had to specifically say that she was going home before she had any reaction at all. That reaction of course was, “Awww Hell No… unnn uhhhhh.” I might be paraphrasing. It might have actually been, “BOOM! Goes the Dynamite!” Whatever.

I cannot encourage you to watch this show more. I vehemently deny actually endorsing, but I want you to watch it. I can’t get True Beauty 2, but I nevertheless want this show to happen more.

Here are a couple clips.

Pfff… Your show doesn’t have a “Funky Feet Moment” clip?