Entertainment Weekly’s What To Watch Is Useless

I’m going to start out by saying that I don’t really like Entertainment Weekly. It’s a pretty fair example of all that makes me roll my eyes in the world of “journalism,” but I have to read it. The Stephen King articles are fun, and Diablo Cody is interesting, but otherwise it’s a goofy rag with serious delusions about its place in the world.

What I used to like about it, and actually looked forward to, was the What to Watch section that gave me a rundown of the upcoming week on television. Somewhere around two or three months ago, the section was taken over by Jessica Shaw, and the damn thing is utterly worthless now. I don’t know who the section is for at this point, but I really don’t have any use for a special section of a weekly magazine that lists the shows that are going to get the highest ratings each night. Well, of course Ms. Shaw does list quite a few things, so I can also rest assured that she will remind me what shows everyone is already talking to death.

Let’s suppose you were wondering if something interesting was going to be on this week. Now, keep in mind that you already know the shows you already know you’re going to watch, and you already know what shows you’ve heard mentioned 50 times in the last two weeks. Well, let’s see what is there is to recommend. How about—

Gossip GirlGossip Girl reviews, Heroes, Chuck, Dirty Sexy Money, The Biggest Loser: Families, 90210, Greek, FringeFringe reviews, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, America’s Next Top Model, America’s Got Talent, CSI:NY, Ugly Betty, Vice Presidential Debate, Numb3rs, Mad Men, Desperate Housewives, Private Practice, Friday Night LightsFriday Night Lights reviews

What a frickin helpful list. Now, that’s not absolutely everything on the list, but what difference does it make? The thing used to tell me all about shows that were flying under the radar, and then maybe it would throw in Mad Men. Now the thing is 90% the above, and maybe one or two shows per week you didn’t know about.

Here’s the real kicker – I could handle this general scheme (though I still wouldn’t like it) if she would say something meaningful about the shows. I will admit that she can be pretty funny at times. A couple of weeks ago her sentence-long quip on Janice Dickinson’s show was good stuff, but only because I know the show. The basic idea of the section now is just an excuse to use the zings she comes up with. The majority of shows which don’t fall in the “everybody already knows and this is a complete waste of time” category, don’t show up because they are actually shows you should watch, but because she thought of something funny to say about them.

As with this entry —

“First Annual Worldwide Fido Awards
Nickelodeon, TV-G
Did no one notice Greatest American Dog tanked?”
What’s that supposed to do for me in my What to Watch section?

Even the shows that are good, and popular already, and thus pretty much wasted as entries, are talked about as though Ms. Shaw is clearly talking to the people who already have the SeasonPass on their Tivo. What’s the point of, “You know this show rocks, and I know you know this show rocks, and you know I know you know, so I’ll just say isn’t it great how…?”

So, I’m going to give you a few shows. I should say, especially given what I’ve already said, that I’m not interested in any comments that start out, “I heard of that show before…” And, there is no sort of order to these, and I’m not telling you when they’re on. It’s a whole mess with potential times, and you either want to figure it out, or you don’t.

Dragon’s Den – BBCAmerica (and CBC if you’re in or near Canada)

People with small businesses, or great ideas, try to get investments from a bunch of rich people. It’s pretty interesting to see new ideas, and it’s often worthwhile to get the investor’s ideas about why they are, or aren’t, willing to invest. It’s also at least fairly serious, so you don’t have to weed through the nuts that were on America’s Next Top Inventor, or whatever the hell that show was.

The Life & Times of Tim – HBO

A weird and hilarious animated comedy that can’t air on network television. Follows an average JoeJoe reviews through his average life, and the rather unaverage things that happen to him. Series premiered on the 28th. In one segment of the first episode we saw the bizarre chain of events that stemmed from a group of guys making up stories to tell co-workers about how great a bachelor party was. Soon the police are involved, and there are guest appearances on talk shows.

The Mentalist – CBS

I know, it’s a big, new series with some decent promotion, but it’s my pick for show that is going to fall through the cracks into oblivion. I can’t say it’s anything great yet, but it looks like it could do something, and the premise is interesting. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of buzz about it, and it ought to get a shot at least.

Dog the Bounty Hunter – AEHD
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Okay, hear me out. I like this show. I don’t love it. It’s not great television. It has, quite frankly, few redeeming qualities. I still like it. As far as nonsense television goes there are far worse ways to kill your time, and they’re all a lot more popular. A lot of controversy followed Dog’s arrest, and the show was quickly taken off the air. Well, Dog went to Mexico and caught a criminal. It turns out this is illegal in Mexico. Bite Me. A&E are giving him a second chance, but new shows apparently only air on their HD channel. Yeah, it’s nothing fabulous, and Dog isn’t the sharpest knife on television (but he’s miles from the dullest). He’s a good guy though, and the show is fun.

Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style – Bravo

Tim Gunn has always been the best thing about Project Runway, and that show has jumped the shark of being completely out of ideas. Seriously, some main idea behind PR has got to be creativity, and the show now apparently gets its ideas by taping HeidiHeidi reviews on a bender and picking the most ridonkulous things she says. Gunn’s own show, however, was very close to a solidly entertaining, and (I guess) informative approach to fashion. Something like What Not To Wear without self-important bastards as hosts. The problem was Tim Gunn’s co-host, who was completely useless, clueless, and dressed in the dark at a circus. Gunn has a new co-host for his new season, Gretta Monahan, who is supposedly fabulous, and at any rate can’t possibly be worse.

Sanctuary – SciFi

This looks interesting from the clips I’ve seen, and while it is getting a lot of marketing push, it’s touch and go on the whole “I don’t care, it’s on SciFi, so I’m not watching” score. It seems to attempt a fairly interesting drama that happens to be sci-fi, so I’m hoping people will give it a chance. Think X-Files, but without really crazy aliens and whatnot as your sci-fi. Ummm…, just sort of regular aliens.

ValentineValentine’s Day reviews – CW

Okay, now my prediction is actually that this is going to be really stupid. Why am I listing it here, especially given my above rant? I have this little voice inside me that hopes I might be wrong. The idea is that Greek and/or Roman Gods (who cares) are around messing with people’s lives, and hilarity ensues. If you go after a goofy premise in the right way you can get a pretty good show, otherwise you get garbage. It’s worth finding out.

PrimevalPrimeval reviews – BBCAmerica

Prehistoric creatures are alive and well in the modern world. It’s like Jurassic ParkJurassic Park reviews, but we discovered them instead of making them. It’s complete nonsense, and the acting isn’t even great, but for now it’s kind of fun.

SkinsSkins reviews – BBCAmerica

Yes, I like BBCAmerica. This is a bit of a goof as well, but it’s turning sort of interesting. A show that is just sort of a plain old show about a bunch of teenagers in Britain, and the whatever that is their lives and relationships, but rated TVMA. It’s sort of like 90210 that isn’t calling you stupid.

The Stagers – HGTV

I don’t know why, but this show is fairly interesting to me. A show about the people who dress up houses so people can sell them. Mostly people who are selling houses for at least a million. Of course, we also have the trials and tribulations of such a job. It’s funnish. It’s like home design without telling you about it, or trying to sell you on it, or trying to be cute and perky at you.

Outsider’s Inn – CMT

Okay, Maureen McCormick, Bobby Brown, and Carnie Wilson were all on Gone Country, and played out being lost in lesser environs for our viewing pleasure. So, in case you haven’t heard, get this – Maureen came across a bed and breakfast for lease in rural Tennessee and decided to lease with an option to buy. Not wanting to run it herself, she got BobbyBobby reviews and Carnie to come help. Outsider’s Inn is an eight-episode adventure into this undertaking. Listen, if the world was my oyster and I was stuck with only reality television, I couldn’t make it up better than this.

The Apprentice UK – Rerun on CNBC

It’s the same sort of thing, just replace Trump with Sir Alan Sugar who is… whatever, I don’t know who he is, he’s some rich guy in England. The show is a big step up though. You’ve still got a bunch of Type A overload, and Sir Sugar has a fairly big head, but the whole thing is a little more dignified. Think The Apprentice without a bunch of dork producers fumbling their Starbucks in one hand, and texting with their Blackberry in the other, while snickering and yelling, “Make ‘em do this! Make ‘em do this!”

Here’s some CBS coverage with clips on The Mentalist

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